It’s been five years now that I’m deep into my forties and a lot of things in this life have lost their meaning. What was very important to me some ten years ago is now nothing more than the thoughts of a fool. After forty, life feels different. I used to think life was so long that there would be time for everything, and even more, but now I realize that life has an end, too, and that I should appreciate much now, not someday later, because someday that will never happen.
When I was young, I was so freaked out about my looks. Eternal diets, starvation, all in order that only was an ideal figure, that only envied other women and looked enthusiastically at men. Now I constantly suffer from stomach pain. Did I need it? Now the main thing is to eat the right, well-balanced food, so the body gets everything it needs, but not to starve. It’s no good.
Exercise has also become important to me. In the morning my body needs some kind of exercise to stretch my muscles, to warm them up. Because if I don’t do it, it hurts all day long, not my back, but something else. So sports have become a very important part of my life.
My relationship with a man is not so important for me anymore, and I have understood many aspects of family life, although I have been divorced for ten years now. I got divorced for a trivial reason – adultery. My husband cheated on me and I was too proud and independent, I immediately threw him out of the house.
I didn’t even try to figure it out, to understand what I had done wrong. After all, it’s not always just the cheater who is to blame for the cheating, but the other partner as well. Both people are always to blame for the relationship, its success and breakup. Now if something like this happened to me, I would sit down at the table and try to understand the person. Nothing just happens. But my ex-husband is not coming back – he has a family of his own.
Yes, and I got tired of living together with someone. As soon as my daughter left to study at university, I started living alone and got used to it. I even feel good this way – things always stay the way I put them, I spend a minimum on food and a maximum on entertainment. Living with a man, it does not work that way. That’s why loneliness has become my best friend and companion.
I have also noticed that my memory has become very bad. Well, I do not remember why I quarreled with this or that person. And if I don’t remember, I guess the offense was not so strong. Why else would I have forgotten?
A lot of things are perceived differently with age. And here I am thinking, had I been in my youth the same brain, the same thoughts as now, then life would have been different – much easier, much calmer and easier. But maybe that’s what all this suffering and grief is for, to evolve, to understand. In order to become wise and pass on the knowledge to my children and grandchildren.
