Since childhood I was not very stable mentally. I used to go to kindergarten with tears, I felt vulnerable in life. Other people go through the difficulties of major troubles, like the death of loved ones or bullying by parents, and remain adequate. For me, on the other hand, the entrance examinations was the kind of stress after which I lead the main point of inadequacy, although the prerequisites were there before it.
The next big external stressor was a beating. My husband beat me, badly. Not right away, but I left. It had been a few years. Other people somehow recover from stresses, but I have some kind of strange body. It feels like a state of happiness and peace is unaccustomed to it. And if it occurs even for a short time, the body feels uncomfortable. It surprises it, it’s unaccustomed. And I find a reason to be anxious, and I can even just be anxious, for no reason.
Lately I’ve been getting this intense anxiety inside me, like the kind that occurs when you go on rides. It takes my breath away. I can cry in a public place, and even if I don’t cry, bystanders still notice that I’m not okay. Many people advise psychologists and psychotherapists in various threads on this site. But I want to say that a psychologist does not always help, and can even make things worse for a person. I went to a psychologist, psychiatrist and psychotherapist. But all this didn’t help me get rid of my problems. I have a neurosis. I took antidepressants for several years and I don’t want to take them anymore. I didn’t even understand their effect and did not notice any significant changes right after withdrawal.
I feel that my resources are running out. What will happen to me in the end? In such a mental state it is difficult for me to work, I try, but the productivity of a mentally unstable person is low, and besides it all affects interpersonal relations. Because I can raise my voice at a person or I get to the point where I feel bad, my heart beats strongly, I start walking back and forth, and such a person also attracts few people around. I do not want to look after my appearance, the order of the house. Now my father helps me financially, but he is already retired and continues to work.
Why am I writing this here? I am still trying. I am trying to find a way out. I know that many people will think that others have bigger problems. But the main thing is not the size of the problem, but our reaction to it. And I do not know how to react adequately.
