I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been pulling a lot on myself the last couple of years. I’m married with two children. My husband works, he doesn’t drink, but he’s not an ambitious man. He’s for stability. I don’t make bad money either, but I’m a woman, I successfully combine family and work. Why do I have to cover all the bills and grab every part-time job? And still I’m cutting myself a lot of slack.
At the beginning of December I almost died – I went through anaphylactic shock and rehabilitation. Then the whole family just before the new year had an acute respiratory infection with high fever. But my husband has a constant desire to measure with me in terms of who is more tired, who is worse in health.
On January 1, I hated him. On another of his offenses, I asked if he is not ashamed to behave like this at 38 (almost 40 years). Like this, pushing on the pity, showing resentment? He replied, “when I die, it will be easier for you. I said, “And why do you keep talking about death, don’t you want to live? The answer was: “honestly, yes, I don’t want to, there is no point, only because of you and living”. And I realized that this is why for any of my aspirations to do something, to buy a house, to go somewhere or something, there is no response, no desire. One joy is to lie down and play. Picnics, trips, all at my suggestion, or after a scandal.
I am tired. But what to do? I want to say that this is not manly, but it is scary to hurt the delicate strings of the soul. But how annoying is this behavior of a man! I almost died from cardiac arrest, I was also attributed to nervous exhaustion and fatigue, and we all feel sorry for themselves.
What to do? Thank you for listening.
P.S. I have goals for the future, I have kids, I have personal ambitions. There is nothing wrong with me. I don’t seem to love or respect him anymore. And that’s scary.
