I have been troubled by depression for 5 years now. More precisely, I understand that depression is one of the serious mental illnesses that must be dealt with, but looking at my family, I can say that all my relatives have some manifestation of it, which they live with, trying to ignore its manifestations. This condition (I call it depression, for it is the most appropriate word, as it seems to me) has lasted for a long time and manifests itself in perpetual fatigue, apathy and the desire to leave life, although there are no serious reasons for it. I have a prestigious educational institution, my family relations are more or less good, I do not go hungry, I have all the necessary things.
It all started when I moved with my family to another country, when I was 13-14 years old. No one asked me if I was ready for it, if I wanted it at all. They just informed me post factum before I left (i.e. I didn’t make the decision to move on my own). I had to go through a lot of bad events, which almost crushed me, but now I can say I’m almost adapted to the new environment, and I gradually get used to the local mentality and xenophobia of locals in relation to us. But all the events that happened after the move affected me a lot.
I will not describe what events it was, but it started with the constant ridicule of my classmates, sometimes even physical abuse from them. It was very hard to stand it (and still have to deal with it sometimes), but I’m glad that my family was there for me in every way and supported, for what they are very grateful.
But it still left its mark in the form of hatred for the country in which I now live, its citizens, the injustice towards foreigners and, worst of all, my life and myself. I constantly struggle with the feeling that I am superfluous in this country, that it will never be my home, and my real home, where I was born, will soon be gone, and it is unlikely that it will accept me back with open arms. Because of this, the feeling is present that I will never have a home, a place where I will be happy.
Yes, I love my family, but I’m a big enough girl (I’m 18), and as soon as I go to college (the education system here is a bit different), I’ll leave it and be on my own. But sometimes I have the feeling that I just won’t live to see that moment. I am very often sad (almost constantly), have lost motivation to do anything, constantly visit thoughts about suicide. Recently I have been hooked on sedatives and sleeping pills, and sometimes I drink to calm down somehow. I have tried to turn to specialists, but all these psychotherapy sessions do not help, and besides they are very expensive, so I gave up on it.
And now I am sitting here and I don’t know what to do. What keeps me from suicide is my loving family and little brother, who I take care of because my parents are always at work. But every time I come home from school, I just sit down in the middle of the room and start sobbing. Out of the blue. After about 10 minutes I calm down and go about my daily business.
I write here, because it is one of the first sites which have got to me, with the help of which I would like to speak out and, maybe, to ask for advice. Can you advise me some ways in which I can get out of this state and fall in love with my life again?
