I live with a man I don’t love. Didn’t get a lover, don’t fall in love. I got married without thinking. On the contrary, I got married for nothing. I thought I would live for a year or two, and then I would find someone I loved and get divorced. At that time it seemed to me that I thought of everything correctly. But I never met anyone I liked. And that’s how I lived for 27 years.
I was loved, I allowed it and encouraged it, and I didn’t love it. I was just playing the part of a good wife. My husband is a totally positive person, which makes me dislike him even more. But what can you do when you have children and money, you are cherished and nurtured. How can you refuse that? That’s how you live. Sometimes it really gets so disgusting that I’m ready at least now to divorce. Then I think, “Why did I do this to him?” How long have we lived together, what is it like this to come up and say: “I was pretending.” It’s just unseemly, and I pity him.
Now there is no going back at all, it’s already 27 years. My husband is happy, he raised such toasts, so happy that he got me as a wife. And the better he treats me, the harder it is for me to live with him. Sometimes I do not want to do anything, neither cooking nor washing, I say I am sick, I lie in bed, but he will do everything himself and feed me, bring tea in bed, and say: “Lie down, honey, I will do it.
I always thought that I would have enough stamina to live with him. But not enough. I am so disgusted with myself and him that I have no strength. Is that how it turns out that it’s not enough to be loved? I don’t have enough love for both of us.
